What bad times have taught me-Part I

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”-Khalil Gibran

It’s been a long time since I wrote a blog and this was something I had in mind for a long time (Yes, I get these 4am ideas and they haunt me until I write them down). The definition of bad time is different for different people and for the same person it may differ as you move through different stages of life. For example, in college missing out on studying a single chapter could easily give me a panic attack during exams. Today if I have to give a presentation in front of an audience, I know I would be preparing for it exactly 10 mins before, despite keeping all kinds of reminders a week before and I would still have the confidence of a pro. This obviously may not seem like a huge crisis for many of us, but the student suicide numbers indicate otherwise. So especially for all the students and their parents out there…It will all turn out good, don’t stress out!

Getting back to the topic, I have found bad times to be my best teacher. The straight faced, tough assignment giving professor, who will always ask you out of syllabus questions, which you will need to explore on your own. You can’t copy because the questions are unique for each one and the answers will be unique as well. Finally based on your effort, you will be rewarded with good grades or you may be asked to repeat the entire thing again. Good times are just the benefits that you reap of the efforts you have put in to please the bad times. All this knowledge obviously has hit me after falling hard many times and I feel everyone needs to fall because (I wanted to do this for so long)…

 And it’s not like you won’t be uncomfortable/scared in any situation after learning this, but you will be better at being stable even in chaos. So instead of getting all preachy, let me get to my favourite bullet points:

• Learning the difference between needs and wants:  I wasn’t born with a silver spoon, so everything that I wanted had to be earned or had to come via birthday gifts (The reason I still love birthdays). And when you grow up in such environment, you learn how to limit your non-essentials. Now that I earn, my needs are still in check and all this because my bad times have taught me so.

•  Being humble and empathetic: When you have experienced something bad in your life, you try to protect at least the people around you from the same fate. Also you are aware that there is no guarantee that history wont repeat itself. So as you move up the ladder you need to be good and humble in your dealings because they are the same people whom you will meet when you fall down. And probably also the people who will lift you up again.

•  Learning: Keep learning and this, in no way is related to degree studies. Obviously degree helps in connecting you to people who may be essential for your progress but that alone wont help you get very far. Learn people skills, learn ways to de-stress, learn to present ideas, learn martial arts…I know they are not connected in any way but knowledge never goes waste. It keeps your curiosity level high and makes your ordinary life a lot more interesting. Plus point is, you are well equipped to deal with any bouncer that life throws at you.

• Being independent: It is said ‘If you want to go fast, go alone. But if you want to go far, go together.’  But it is equally important to know that people may not always agree with you and you can’t remain dependent on them. So sometimes, it’s necessary to lead by example. Go alone, go fast. Eventually people will follow and you will be able to go far together. Also while you are alone, love your own company and believe in your ideas (But be prepared with Plan B and Plan C as well). Remember that people will come and go, even the closest ones. You are your own constant.   
• Deja-Vu Effect:  Have you ever felt that a problem keeps reoccurring in your life, time and again? It’s because you haven’t learnt anything from the previous times. It’s easier to procrastinate but it is much more fruitful to deal with a problem and get done with it once and for all.  

I have no Part II coming for this blog anytime soon, but I am sure I will have bad times ahead and whatever and whenever I learn something I will surely share it.

Love Is...

 As a kid I always used to read the newspaper...only for the comic strips :) One of which was "Love Is" by Kim Casali (I still do read comic strips, but now the newspaper has replaced "Love Is" with "The Better Half" which is good too). It still remains a favourite because I could see the live example of it in my parents. For me they signify what love truly is and if you think its all about red roses and chocolates, well...you are either a teenager or you are new to Earth. Well today is Valentine's day and as expected its all over the newspapers, SMS's, WhatsApp, FB, all over the world in bold capital letters. You wonder if there is so much of love around the world why do we hear of increase in divorce cases every year, to the level that there is a new family court being built in Mumbai to deal with the additional load.
Today morning I was reading this piece in Mumbai Mirror on couples who are still together and going strong after 40-50 years of marriage and all they initially knew about each other was either the name or a picture. In an era where people split because the wife doesn't cook well, these are heart warming love stories. But what we today concentrate mostly on is the "Happily Ever After". Between every "Once upon a time" and "Happily Ever After" there is "a life full of problems" which somehow none of the movies or novels will tell you or prepare you to deal with. Today at the onset of the first problem, you see people ready to escape from a relationship. We are turning into a generation full of escapists who are ok with running rather than fixing. I am lucky to have parents who lead by example and here are some things they have thought me over the years unknowingly:

Love is... A red rose
Its a red rose but with the thorns. To feel the beauty of the petals you need to pick up the rose and there will be at least one thorn (from the many) which will prick you at some point of time. The beautiful, mushy love is only 10%. The rest 90% of it is the battle you fight to preserve that beautiful bubble.

Love is...Respect
Respect plays an important role in any relationship. The day you lose respect for your partner, there's nothing really left. Respecting each other's dreams,goals,wishes, choices is loving the person. If your wife wants to pursue higher studies or if your husband wants to stop working and set up his own business, support them. It may be difficult, financially or emotionally but who said love was easy anyways.

Love is...Sometimes Boring
It wont be an adrenaline rushing adventure every day. There will be days which are just normal, no major events, nothing to be happy about, nothing to be sad about. Just days discussing house chores, finances etc. It doesn't mean there's no love. Just smile and embrace the mundane.

Love is...Accepting the other as is
Your partner may change over time, both physically and mentally and you may be one of the reasons for it. Don't compare them with others. Remember, its they who changed your life for better and not Deepika Padukone! Motivate them to have a healthier lifestyle but not at the cost of devaluing them. Make others feel jealous of your partner.

Love is...Fighting

Being different individuals you will surely have fights. I have played an instrumental role in giving running commentary while my parents fought (I loved them while they fought, it was so cute). But difference in opinions can always be resolved with a discussion and what you walk out with after that is an even stronger relationship.

Love is...Being there
Humans are a mess. We can speak, have a language to communicate, but we never do. Sometimes just letting your partner know "I'm there with you" means a lot. It is a lot more than saying "I love you". Physically present or not, this will surely give your partner the courage they need to fight their battles. Also don't let your love fight all the battles alone. Be there for them even if they don't ask for it.

Finally love is "not having to do"  but "wanting to do" something for your partner unconditionally.

May all of you find the person to face "life full of problems" and have a "happily ever after". Happy Valentine's Day!

The Stage

I stand here on this stage,
Nervous, confused and scared.
I don't know if I can enact my role,
And my lines...I really never cared.

As the curtains draw open,
Audience closing in, is all I see.
Frozen in silence, I ask myself,
'What am I doing? This is not me'.

I stutter, I fumble,
I hear the people laugh.
This is probably how it ends,
What next after this gaffe!

Like a defeated soldier I packed my bags,
Never to return to the stage again.
The Director calls me out,
"Oh, I'm yet to face his disdain!"

"They are not here to see you,
They are here to see what you can be.
Believe you can be anyone,
From a warrior to someone selling tea."

"Not everyone gets this chance,
Not everyone gets to be everything.
Be that actor, that makes them feel,
Be that actor, that makes them sing."

Today as I get back to the stage,
To be the hero,none could ever be.
I hear the cheers and claps,
"This stage is for me, This stage is for me!"

Quarter-life Lessons Learnt

Well...I am still kind of wondering.. Am I really turning 25 in 2 days!! Going through my mental-checklist just trying to understand...have I really achieved what I wanted to or what I expected to by this age. You need to have an age related checklist, especially in India,especially when you are a girl (no explanations needed, since by the time you are 21 every passerby aunty is worried about your marriage). Happy that most of the items are checked, but somehow the checklist grows in size each day!

 I have got many things that I didnt ask for, but they just landed up...good and bad both. Some things that I wished for and achieved, made me happy initially, but eventually I was like "Girl, is THIS what you wanted...Really??" The thing is life doesnt go as per your checklist, its there to be lived, enjoyed and learn. And as kids, teenagers or even adults whatever we plan to have a "GOOD LIFE" never really gives us that good life. After all, do we really have total control over our life plans? So this is what I learnt over the last 25 years (leaving the first 4 years where I was just mumbling something in Tulu or Hindi that made no sense), from my greatest teacher - LIFE.

1) Treasure your childhood- Childhood days are the best thing to happen to anyone. You are pampered, given the maximum attention, reprimanded the least, innocent to the core, you care the least about what the world thinks of you. No hidden agendas in friendships except for "mujhe sabse last out karna" in games. Alas! we all are too busy growing up.

Enjoy your childhood before it passes away!

2) Health is Wealth- We hear this quite often, but just ignore it. Believe me, whoever tells you this, is your true well wisher. Your health is the most precious thing you have and nothing can replace it. So don't let anything (relationships,work, your own goals etc.) take you away from it. You can achieve everything in life if you have health by your side.

3) Your parents may not always be right (but most times they are)- We come from different generations and circumstances and that plays an important role in how we see things. So after a certain age, we disagree with our parents on a lot of things. Its completely normal, but what most of us don't do is discuss viewpoints. We simply disagree and leave. Let parents know your viewpoint and sooner or later they will come around, if you are right.

4)Friends are not permanent-  This hurts but it is true. Even our best of friends may move away and in many cases its not intentional. Times, different cities, different ambitions,marriages etc. all have a role to play. But as a true friend what is necessary, is to let your friend know that you will be there around for them always. We all have to grow and moving on and knowing more people is a big part of it.

5) Be Independent- This is especially for all the girls out there. Independence gives you the freedom to do lot many things. Don't trade it for someone else's wishes. And by independence I mean financially, emotionally and mentally. India has a bad notion that its only a man's duty to provide financial security. When we demand equal gender rights then isnt it necessary to even share the responsibilities equally! Also don't wait for someone to plan things for you, its easy to take charge of your own life than waiting for things that may or may not happen. Its good to be selfish at times, if you know you are right and that gives you happiness.

6) Travel- I wish I had known this a little earlier. I have never felt more peaceful and happy than when I am travelling. There are so many experiences attached with travelling, its hard to list them all. People, food, moments...and no photographs can fully do justice to what you have experienced by being a part of those moments. From sleeping on Kolkata airport chairs the whole night to 18 hours jeep drive from Guwahati to Aizawl to rapelling down 350ft....thanks to my trekking team who helped me explore something really wonderful. This has also been possible because of the independence you get when you start earning, so thank you "high-paying-job". Solo travelling is still on my list.

Travel as much as you can!

7) Regretting is useless- You either face or correct the situation or you learn a lesson and never look back. Regrets just keep pulling you back. Turn your regrets to experiences or lessons and there's nothing that can stop you.

8) Money is not happiness- Money can buy you things that may make you happy temporarily but happiness will stay longer if you do what you really like doing, being with the people you like and obviously if you have good health.

9) Marks dont matter/ Never stop learning- Our education system is so fixated on scores that learning takes a backseat. Marks only matter to get you into a college and probably a job, it does not indicate how knowledgeable you are or how well you will do at your workplace. Never stop learning and always be curious to learn more (not limited to education). Ultimately that is what will help you get ahead of others.

10) Help Others- Even small help goes a long way and the smile it brings on your face is priceless. Help others in whatever way you can. We are never as poor or incapable as we think we are.

11) Buy something for your parents with your first salary- Yes you may want to buy a new high end phone for yourself or be tempted to splurge on a hair spa, but believe me there's nothing better than getting something that your parents need from your first salary. The proud smile on their faces is equivalent to a relaxing massage at the spa.

12)Love yourself- Most importantly, love and understand yourself. Learn what you like and dislike, what you are capable and incapable of doing. Dont leave your hobbies, because they are what will truly give you happiness. Its only when we love and respect ourselves that we are able to love and respect someone else. Remember, YOU are all that you have!

Love Yourself The Most

13) Be unique- Stop comparing yourself with others. What is the point of being like Sharmaji's son and Vermaji's daughter. Wouldn't life get boring seeing the same kind of people everywhere. Don't be an engineer or a doctor because your parents want you to (Refer to point 3). Just be you. Its not necessary to follow the herd. I know there's that feeling of being left behind but at the same time, how long will you keep chasing others?

14) Keep honest people close- Your friends will always support you but when you truly want a feedback, go to someone who is straight forward and will slam down your ideas with a single word and support you in very rare cases when your ideas are truly brilliant. Thankfully, I have such people in my life and in a way they are a motivation to do better. Sooner or later you will realise that.


This is what I remember currently, but I know there are lot many things that life has taught me and it will continue to do that.When I look back one thing I am definitely sure about, it has been a beautiful journey so far! Hopefully I will be able to write about the next 25 years the same way :)

Travelling Joys

As a child we all must have had this dream of visiting places we have never been to. Most of us called it "the foreign country". As time passes, we get so comfortable in our environment  or rather drowned in work-life balance (rather imbalance) that this dream takes a backseat for most of us. Forget going to a distant place, even a few kilometers walk to market is a TASK. Its a whole 'work-to-live,live-to-work' cycle. As I am now a part of the working population, I can very well understand the amount of scheduling it requires to get that little "me-time". But let me tell you, its worth taking that pain.

Travelling doesnt necessarily mean you pack your bags, book flight tickets and go for a safari. As they say, the journey is what matters not the destination. Your local train ride could give you the experience that probably going to foreign nation would. That's your mini-travel in itself. Even despite owning a car I like to travel by train to work because Mumbai railways offer you that gateway to entire of India (Precaution: Dont try this if you have a weekday 9-5 job and have a gents second class ticket). Different people, different characteristics, different behavior, from a month old child to a 80 year old women...you will find them all. There are people sitting aloof looking out the window, people who wont stop telling their life stories to even strangers, the chatterbox aunties, the first-love couple,the giggling teens, the geeks with their books, the headphone guys, the WHY-DID-YOU-SIT-ON-A-GENTS-SEAT-BEING-A-LADY and then there are people like me talking to a small child and controlling blushing when the kid says bye. You will find people who will pull you into the train when you are running behind it while there may be others who will push you out too. Who said travelling is easy!

About 20 people travelling in a tempo..an experience in itself

One of the NSS camps

Actual travelling is all about meeting people, understanding different cultures, food and gaining that experience that no travelling show on TV can provide you. Frankly speaking, I would get bored of even climbing stairs to reach my 3rd floor apartment. Trekking sounded exciting but I didnt know if I had the capability to even climb half a hill. But the entire experience has been so fulfilling and stimulating, that I would want to try it quite often. I have been to 3 treks in 1 year and am currently waiting anxiously for the next one. Our comfort zone restricts our abilities. You just survive, never grow. Travelling to a new place, with new people around you gives you that opportunity to grow. Also for people like me, food is another incentive. If you are experimental enough and not fussy about the food, you will be surprised by what the world has to offer. At NSS camps we have had the simplest but yet the tastiest of food that the villagers had made for us. At Bangkok, the street food and seafood is much more popular. You just need to have the appetite that the Thai have (They eat quite often but you will still find them in the best of shapes). If your motive is to just get rest then travelling provides  that too (But mind you, you are missing out on other exciting things). Going out solo makes you independent as well as responsible, try it out atleast once but take your safety seriously. Research well, keep your necessary contacts handy and take all the necessary precautions (preferably a first aid box, Swiss knife,pepper spray or chilli powder) before deciding to take that trip alone. Just like train travel, you will find helpful people as well as misguiders.

Lastly, travelling is just like life...take things as they come, one step at a time. Adapt to changes in plan, adapt to people. Dont let your dream of going to that foreign country or sitting in world's best roller coaster stay a dream. Believe me, you will be happy with the entire experience.  Make it a 'work-to-live,live-to-travel,travel-to-learn,learn-to-work' cycle, work-life balance would be easier to maintain. I have a long list of TO-VISIT places but for now my next adventure would be Himalayan trekking, which will happen soon and I am sure I will have loads to write about it :)

Next Destination